I loved you all this time
I just lost my nerve and lost my mind...
And I hope you'll say the same to me.
I am holding so tightly to every golden drop of memories shared with you.
To last night and the huge pick-me-up hug you gave me.
To the high-five agreement to be drunk the whole con together.
(I wish I wasn't leaving so soon...)
(No, wait -- I save all my wishes for only one thing: That I would be a delight to you. That you could look at me the way you used to. That you would want to share time with me in whatever way, whenever we can. (That can all be one wish because those are all different words for the same thing.))
God, I miss you.
I keep fearing you'll back away again and fall silent. But then -- last night was so promising...
Met up at Booksamillion, half-expecting only to give you the x-box awkwardly and then part ways. But we meandered about, looking over children's books, sandglasses, bookends -- and you pointed out all things cat, naturally. XD Then you picked up a cook book and flipped through it, making me acutely aware of being hungry. I was kinda surprised when you offered to go eat together.
So to Ihop we went, riding together in your car. My heart was all a-swoon with even your car. I missed your A/C vents, even. Heh.
So much of the 3 hours together felt blurry -- surreal. I was taken aback with every little indication of friendship (or more?) that you put forward -- the mention of possibly eating Korean food on Friday. The conversation about lending you video games which inspired you to ask, "Would you rather I play video games or have time to, say, skype you?"
You haven't been on skype in weeks! It blows my mind that you mentioned it so nonchalantly like that.
We spoke of seaweed and Korean coffee, exchanged tales of drunken friends. You told me you had been trying to eat healthier and work out. (And here I've been nocturnal and near-stationary as always, eating more caloric fatty things than ever in an attempt to gain weight back... e_e')
We both napped earlier that day, around the same time, which is interesting to me...
And both are back to coffee, still not playing Pokemon, and haven't been able to draw much at all lately.
You looked great, by the way. I actually also enjoyed your scruffy look at the movie showing, but you clean up wonderfully too. Would've liked to lick your cheeks. ^^'' And...gah. I love your eyes. I missed them so much. I really long for the day when I can confidently stare into them again.
And the day when I can hear you more clearly. I think my head was buzzing too much. Because on half a dozen occasions, I wasn't completely sure what you said. Made me nervous to respond wrongly, but I didn't want to keep asking you to repeat yourself. @_@ Ah, nervousness, what you do to a person...
The fact that you mentioned having been working on lessening your road rage when we were in the car together was also so powerfully nostalgic...One of the things I realized in hindsight was how significant moments like that were -- when you would spontaneously open up and tell me something about trying to be more positive or how it kinda bothered you that your friends joked about you being a serial killer so much...I feel honored by you opening up to me. I wish I had never pushed you away and betrayed that slowly growing trust. I want to be someone you can say anything to. Someone you can take refuge in. Someone you can let your guard down around. I don't want to ever do anything to hurt you.
I admire you so very much. I was very blind and confused to not see it earlier.
I want to be with you more than I want to go to Korea, more than I want to go to Pludo, more than I want to escape foot surgery in the solace of death. I want to be with you. Doing whatever. Sitting next to you and working. Cuddling and watching anime. Eating, sleeping, kissing, sexing, farting, showering, making up stories, cooking, cleaning, stumbling, adventuring, missing our exit, working over time, playing minecraft...
Back to the night.
When we got back to the Booksamillion parking lot, we just stood and chatted -- even with my door open and me not trying to hard to keep conversation rolling. I wish I could remember everything said...but mostly, I just remember talking about going to the con! (The moment that I realized you really meant that WE
go to the con together was earlier, while walking toward the door to leave Booksamillion. Something in the phrasing of plans actually had a we
in it. Prior to that point, I wasn't sure how much you wanted me to go with and how much you just wanted a con-fix. But I was afraid to ask.)
And then you suggested we be DRUNK the whole time. FUCK YES. XD I enjoy this idea for numerous reasons, not least of which - honestly - is that I believe the magic of a con and being drunk would almost certainly result in rawr. Whether it means anything lasting to you or not, it would be amazing to me. I would love for it to spark Us back up, considering we started on a similar footing the first time. ^^' But I try to keep my hopes from shooting too far into space...so many crashes these last couple months.
I'm so glad you liked the bird drawing I made for you. It made me happy that you started immediately identifying the birds -- and the first one you mentioned was the hummingbird. <3 I made that the week that I was home alone and you never offered to see me or let me come over. I went to bed every night that week, hoping and praying that tomorrow would be better. Then that week ended with Kelsey saying you were Hers and I was immature for still having feelings for you when you told me you didn't feel the same. Fffffuck. That was. A very bad time. A very very very bad time.
If ever you find yourself loving me again, please hold me and help me erase the absolute fucking void I felt in that moment. I mean, it's honestly been pretty miserable, painful, and lonely since...May 19th, I guess. With moments of confusion and deluded hopefulness. The days we were sorta back together, but you kept either sleeping or saying really odd things or being glued to your phone, consoling Kelsey. It hurt so much feeling how distant you were. I am so sorry for ever doing that sort of thing to you. I never will again.
God, I have missed you so much.
If I could go back and talk to myself for just 5 minutes, I could make me realize what I had in you.
If I could undo any one thing in life, it would be pushing you away.
You were so wonderful to me and I needed to let go of my scars and fears. I needed to stop worrying about what my family thought and stop giving a fuck about the pain that foot surgery is going to be.
I really, really hope you will have it in you to try again. I will do anything and everything I can to work toward fixing things and being wonderful to and with you.
I miss you.