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The numbers are trembling as they fall into place, outlined with a gradual increasing glow.

Dawn draws near.
 
 
 
 
 
 






 
 
 
 
 
 
If I could peel back my chest
and snap open my bones
you would stare aghast,
in wonderment

at the vibrant variety
found in the blood that beats
out my heart and down and over
to you, to you, to --

this lovely aneurysm
wrapped in obsession
and abstract confession
of how many senses I sacrifice

to taste the touch of you
to smell your soul again
feel the pulse of tongues tied together
wound and bound in the mystery of mistakes

all the folly we exchanged
tossed back and forth on waves.
and carried deep into the dark of caves
caught in torch-less turbulence


I hope that this I grasp
is indeed your hand
but I have no way to know
until the dawn finds us out.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I went to the doctor today -- general check up and such. Ended up passing out after they took my blood. That left me too woozy to drive myself to meet up with Matt while he was in town. ( He got off work early due to overtime from travel.)

So he just came over around 12 -- right when I had gotten out of the shower! @_@ I was a little self-conscious about my hair...but oh well. e_e

He brought over a tonnnnn of Korean noms! Bunches of different mochi, chocolate covered gummies, melon gum, rice wine, kiwi ramune, three different seaweeds, and Vietnamese instant coffee!

OH AND A KITTEN PHOTO+COLORING BOOK! I didn't ask for that at all!! ^__^

<3

He showed me fonts he was working on, I showed him old artwork (and the Natsumi I've been working on :D), we chit-chatted with mom...and he even agreed to go to the airport with us. o.O

Mom finally left so we could put on more violent anime. XD Though we ended up just putting Soul Eater back on, feeling nostalgic.

Not only were there various pokes, pushes, fwaps, and playful-kindergarten-flirt-style insults, but there were all out TICKLE FIGHTS. XD And we had a Totoro-tossing game that got pretty epicly intense. Matt hurt his hand, slamming it into a desk at one point. >.<

At one point, I tossed Totoro up and purposefully knocked down a couple of the chinese lanterns on the mid-wall. >3 I was trying to climb the couch and put them back up and -- to my delight -- Matt grabbed me around the thighs and lifted me up a bit higher so I could reach! XD He did it twice, too, so I could get both of them back up there. ^___^ When he set me down the second time, the way he held me as he was lowering me down was so lovely... <3 My face was so close to his for a moment...

Actually, our faces were close fairly frequently, looking at the computer together. :D I'm usually overconscious and try too hard to respect personal boundaries, but not today! I made a point of ignoring most of these concerns. Even didn't draw my hand back when his fell back against mine while he was messing with Totoro with his other hand. And he let his hand rest there and return there after moving it, too. o.O

I mean, it was only the backs of our hands, barely touching...BUT STILL.

I only got a regular hug goodbye, but -- upon reflection, that might have had something to do with mom and dad being outside. e.e'

We both agreed we should have a drunken goodbye party before I leave.

^I am very hopeful about this. -crosses fingers-

C'MON AND KISS ME ALREADY FOO'! XDDD

 
 
 
 
 
 
Love you.
Miss you.
Want you back.



I slept so long so I could dream so long about you, on the floor of a hotel room.
About us, climbing up a tree, as I climbed up onto your shoulders.

Your face so close to mine...
Gawd, I miss your eyes.
 
 
 
 
 
 
So...it's a good thing Ayla's b-day party got canceled. Since Matt wasn't able to make it for the lunch buffet at New Korea yesterday, we rescheduled for today. I didn't know for sure whether he'd be able to or not until 1pm today. And of course, Lynn was pestering me to hang out tonight. I agreed to go to church with her on Sunday instead, though -- because...seriously? It's one of the last few weekends I have in town, and I have been missing Matt like all-freaking-get-out. I don't want to lose out on any time that he has available for a friend that I only just recently made who doesn't even really keep up with me...and really doesn't speak my language. Lynn is...a very different kind of silly than I am.

ANYHOW.

Today, Matt and I were supposed to meet at 5pm for Korean buffet.

I spent half an hour trying to pick out what shirt to wear that would be "me" and attractive and not-too-showy, but a little-showy. XD

Matt made it to the Korean restaurant 20 minutes early, because he had decided to go shopping at the Korean grocery store before eating instead of after. (I was silently worried at first that this meant he was in a hurry, planning on leaving as soon as he was done eating...and thus not really there for me as much as for Korean foodstuffs. >.<)

We dined luxuriously on the array of delectable dishes, which included crab and other seafood in addition to all the usual noms. Conversation rolled fairly naturally, even if he didn't get Sally's knock-knock joke... XD I feel like I was so smiley. I told him about breaking my car's A/C and that the foot stuff my be even more of a headache due to insurance expiring when I hit 23 next spring. He suggested that I go ahead and hobble my way to class in crutches instead of waiting until summer. Which...maybe. >_< But I'll wait to see what our options are. Ugh.

I wish I could remember more of what we spoke about...a good bit about the food, I guess. Crab legs and about how dethawing them on hotel room heaters and microwaving them is ideal. Oh! And he told me about some of the things he was saving up to buy. A scanner like the one they have on campus that can scan negatives. And a camera that can swap out two different kinds of film. (There were more details about these things, but I am exceptionally not good at remembering things/technologies I am not familiar with...)

At one point, the waitress gave us a fresh plate for our crab shells and was holding a second plate, but asked if we could share one. We said yes, of course. But then after she walked away, I put a spoon in the middle of the plate and said Matt better not dare to put any of HIS shells on MY side of the plate. >[ And THEN HE DID! We continued to jokingly bicker over this for a few minutes. XD

After eating, he offered that we go to Petsmart! :D We dropped my car off at Krogers and carpooled in his car over there. We not only played with a bunch of adorable cats (one of which was named Eggnog. XD), but we also wandered the entire store, pointing out dog toys that were obviously "adult store" items, posing stuffed animals in suggestive positions, holding up spherical items as breasts/balls, and I took a couple pictures of him holding up enormously long objects in front of his crotch -- which he sent to a couple of his co-workers. It's a running joke they have. XD

He grabbed a cat toy at one point and dangled it above my head. I instantly crouched down, wide-eyed with fascination and excitement -- suddenly swatting, leaping at it! It was fantastic...being his kitten again. =^__________^=

(I almost bit the toy too. XD)

We also looked at all the rats and hamsters and lizards and fish and birds. The baby bearded dragons were SOOO CUTE with their scrawny little bodies and their HUGE heads and how they moved them so curiously and scittered so quickly. And when we were looking at the birds, Matt was reminded of the chocobo-song-singing-cockatiel and brought the video up on his phone. I squeed with delight at the sheer epicness -- and how much the cockatiel even LOOKED like a chocobo!

We also saw a dead plecostomus...which was sad...Matt made sure to tell an employee about it.

Annnnd after we had thoroughly wandered the pet store, Matt suggested going to Hobby Lobby to grab a new sketch book. So we did! And while there, we poked fun at people there...and he batted me on the head playfully with a sketchbook. XD Also bumped/pushed my shoulder, so I pushed him right back! There was also side-poking and other such foolery spontaneously throughout the night. (LOVE.) And we called eachother gross several times, and mentioned such words as cuntwagon, fartsicle, and dickwhistle.

(I am smiling SO ridiculously as I write this.)

That one notebook had paper almost as slick as wax paper. It also had a single mysterious sheet that we couldn't find the sketchbook it could have come from -- size didn't match anything.

After Hobby Lobby, Matt said he felt like grabbing a drink -- as in coffee. So we stopped at Lasaters. Briefly considered running across the street to Mulligans to get some tiny alcoholic shots to put in our drinks...but opted out of it, since it would be a little pointless if it wouldn't be enough to get buzzed and we would be driving in not-long. So we just stuck with coffee.

We messed around with our phones while chatting. I tried to help him with his current Words with Friends game, but he had very little to work with. @_@ Played a couple different Nyancat games, swapping phones at one point.

I know at some point, I kinda tried asking if we could go to the con again since he wasn't supposed to be out of town that long, but he still was seeming pretty ehhhh about it, so I'll just have to cancel the hotel reservation and hope something good will happen that weekend anyway. I really hope he keeps being this increasingly friendly. I enjoy him so very much. And would love more than anything if he would reclaim me before I leave. Srsly. <3

Mom texted at this point, inviting him over to play cards. But he was snuffling up a storm -- the cats earlier really got his allergies going. @_@ (I would, btw, live without cats if it was necessary to live with him.)

And so he opted out of the poker, but said he'd be sure to come over some night before I left. ^.^ We drove back to my car. He poked me in the side several times while I was putting my stuff in the car, then when I stood on the edge of my car to draw on the roof of it. I wrote Korean for cat, he drew a penis, I drew a sloppy excuse for a vagina to go with it. XD We both lulled. Then both were like, "...we better erase that." Because my parents would look at me so strangely. XDDD

I think he said "get down here" to get me to hop down for goodbyes. We somehow talked about exercise/diet/fat again at this point, because he lifted his shirt slightly to reveal his unsatisfactory (in his opinion) amount of fat remaining over his abs (which were totally visible anyway). I told him "pssssh." when I would have liked to say "I think your body is damsexy and fantastic." I think I also poked his stomach.

Then goodbye hugs!

I initially just glomped him around the middle, my arms under his. He was like, "whyfordoyouhugunderneath,silly?" and I was like "I dunno-'causeIcan'treach?!" XD But I promptly re-hugged him, above his shoulders, which resulted in not only a pick-up-hug, but being slung over his shoulder! I quietly shouted, "aaaahhh! I'm being abducted!" And he was like, "SHHHH, don't say that!"  (He had told me the story earlier of a guy with a white truck and red facial hair that had been trying to abduct teenage girls lately that cops were on the lookout for... XD

Heeeeeeeeee!

Good times, good times.... ^___^

I was SO friggin' hyper-happy all the rest of the night, yarrowling and chortling and narglethropping all the way through poker night. Lol.
 
 
 
 
 
 
It's so hard to breathe without you.



I miss your arms around me.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Where is the trading post for human minds, bodies, and souls?


How much blood would it cost to renew love?

Would a kidney, part of a lung, a few fingers, and my sense of taste be enough?

Or are memories worth more?

Perhaps a fragment of my eternal soul?

I'll sacrifice my entire knowledge of the existence of kittens.

Anything -- you name it.

Well, almost anything, anyway. So long as I'll still be mostly recognizably myself -- as far as soul's concerned. I would accept a completely different physical form if necessary.



What's a fair trade?
 
 
 
 
 
 


I loved you all this time
I just lost my nerve and lost my mind...

And I hope you'll say the same to me.



I am holding so tightly to every golden drop of memories shared with you.
To last night and the huge pick-me-up hug you gave me.
To the high-five agreement to be drunk the whole con together.

(I wish I wasn't leaving so soon...)

(No, wait -- I save all my wishes for only one thing: That I would be a delight to you. That you could look at me the way you used to. That you would want to share time with me in whatever way, whenever we can. (That can all be one wish because those are all different words for the same thing.))

God, I miss you.

I keep fearing you'll back away again and fall silent. But then -- last night was so promising...

Met up at Booksamillion, half-expecting only to give you the x-box awkwardly and then part ways. But we meandered about, looking over children's books, sandglasses, bookends -- and you pointed out all things cat, naturally. XD Then you picked up a cook book and flipped through it, making me acutely aware of being hungry. I was kinda surprised when you offered to go eat together.

So to Ihop we went, riding together in your car. My heart was all a-swoon with even your car. I missed your A/C vents, even. Heh.

So much of the 3 hours together felt blurry -- surreal. I was taken aback with every little indication of friendship (or more?) that you put forward -- the mention of possibly eating Korean food on Friday. The conversation about lending you video games which inspired you to ask, "Would you rather I play video games or have time to, say, skype you?"

0_0

You haven't been on skype in weeks! It blows my mind that you mentioned it so nonchalantly like that.

We spoke of seaweed and Korean coffee, exchanged tales of drunken friends. You told me you had been trying to eat healthier and work out. (And here I've been nocturnal and near-stationary as always, eating more caloric fatty things than ever in an attempt to gain weight back... e_e')

We both napped earlier that day, around the same time, which is interesting to me...

And both are back to coffee, still not playing Pokemon, and haven't been able to draw much at all lately.

You looked great, by the way. I actually also enjoyed your scruffy look at the movie showing, but you clean up wonderfully too. Would've liked to lick your cheeks. ^^'' And...gah. I love your eyes. I missed them so much. I really long for the day when I can confidently stare into them again.

And the day when I can hear you more clearly. I think my head was buzzing too much. Because on half a dozen occasions, I wasn't completely sure what you said. Made me nervous to respond wrongly, but I didn't want to keep asking you to repeat yourself. @_@ Ah, nervousness, what you do to a person...

The fact that you mentioned having been working on lessening your road rage when we were in the car together was also so powerfully nostalgic...One of the things I realized in hindsight was how significant moments like that were -- when you would spontaneously open up and tell me something about trying to be more positive or how it kinda bothered you that your friends joked about you being a serial killer so much...I feel honored by you opening up to me. I wish I had never pushed you away and betrayed that slowly growing trust. I want to be someone you can say anything to. Someone you can take refuge in. Someone you can let your guard down around. I don't want to ever do anything to hurt you.

I admire you so very much. I was very blind and confused to not see it earlier.

I want to be with you more than I want to go to Korea, more than I want to go to Pludo, more than I want to escape foot surgery in the solace of death. I want to be with you. Doing whatever. Sitting next to you and working. Cuddling and watching anime. Eating, sleeping, kissing, sexing, farting, showering, making up stories, cooking, cleaning, stumbling, adventuring, missing our exit, working over time, playing minecraft...

Gah!

Back to the night.

When we got back to the Booksamillion parking lot, we just stood and chatted -- even with my door open and me not trying to hard to keep conversation rolling. I wish I could remember everything said...but mostly, I just remember talking about going to the con! (The moment that I realized you really meant that WE go to the con together was earlier, while walking toward the door to leave Booksamillion. Something in the phrasing of plans actually had a we in it. Prior to that point, I wasn't sure how much you wanted me to go with and how much you just wanted a con-fix. But I was afraid to ask.)

And then you suggested we be DRUNK the whole time. FUCK YES. XD I enjoy this idea for numerous reasons, not least of which - honestly - is that I believe the magic of a con and being drunk would almost certainly result in rawr. Whether it means anything lasting to you or not, it would be amazing to me. I would love for it to spark Us back up, considering we started on a similar footing the first time. ^^' But I try to keep my hopes from shooting too far into space...so many crashes these last couple months.

I'm so glad you liked the bird drawing I made for you. It made me happy that you started immediately identifying the birds -- and the first one you mentioned was the hummingbird. <3 I made that the week that I was home alone and you never offered to see me or let me come over. I went to bed every night that week, hoping and praying that tomorrow would be better. Then that week ended with Kelsey saying you were Hers and I was immature for still having feelings for you when you told me you didn't feel the same. Fffffuck. That was. A very bad time. A very very very bad time.

If ever you find yourself loving me again, please hold me and help me erase the absolute fucking void I felt in that moment. I mean, it's honestly been pretty miserable, painful, and lonely since...May 19th, I guess. With moments of confusion and deluded hopefulness. The days we were sorta back together, but you kept either sleeping or saying really odd things or being glued to your phone, consoling Kelsey. It hurt so much feeling how distant you were. I am so sorry for ever doing that sort of thing to you. I never will again.

God, I have missed you so much.

If I could go back and talk to myself for just 5 minutes, I could make me realize what I had in you.

If I could undo any one thing in life, it would be pushing you away.

You were so wonderful to me and I needed to let go of my scars and fears. I needed to stop worrying about what my family thought and stop giving a fuck about the pain that foot surgery is going to be.

I really, really hope you will have it in you to try again. I will do anything and everything I can to work toward fixing things and being wonderful to and with you.



Gahhhhhhhhhh...

-deep breath-

I miss you.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I still love you.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Two months of you casting my feelings aside.

And you know what?

It doesn't make one iota of difference.

It's been difficult. It's been painful. I've been lonely. I've missed you. I've had a few reckless moments. I flirted and looked around a bit. But I don't want ANYTHING except to be back with you.

So fuck.

What is wrong with me -- or with you -- that makes you think everything was done, dead, and gone?

I had been afraid to put both feet into the relationship because I was really scared of getting hurt again. Really fucking scared. But I got over it because I realized I would rather take the chance and be WITH you, whatever that turned out to be, because you are an exceptional person to me.

Am I so unexceptional? Am I something you don't mind putting permanently behind you? Do you want me to fade away, huddled together with your other exes in the back of your mind?

Do you want to forget how happily I pitterpattered drunkenly through your house and around you?

Do you want to forget all the words we made and called eachother, sweet corn hoe cakes? Cuntwagon? Shitpickle?

Do you want to forget how I yowled at the snow and gibberished in your car?

Do you want to forget how I'd give you not-so-awkward-pseudo-butt-rubs on road trips?

Do you want to forget nyannyannyan, geegeegee, kittenskittenskittens, totoro-toootoooroooo?

Do you want to forget me?
 
 
 
 
 
 
If you could go back and change one event in your life (or un-say one thing you wish you'd never said), what would you choose, and why?

I'd undo breaking up with Matt.

Because everything was great, simple, loving, and consistent. I just needed to deal with my depression and get some spunk back. I just needed to realize I cared about him and admired him. And that he was hella better to me than 'most anyone else's boyfriend.

And if I undid that, then maybe I could have lived my life with him without ever seeing this crappy side of him I'm seeing (or rather not seeing) now.

Which would be fantastic. Really, fucking, fantastic.
 
 
 
 
 
 
And in the same waking period as my last post, guess what?

He walked right out of the woodwork, he who I thought was a long-gone ghost. And he seems to suddenly be alive again.

Saying such things as:

"Kaydee, I want to do everything with you...do a million things to you to you to find out what makes your toes curl, what makes you giggle, what makes you sleepy, what makes you bite me..."

"For the time being, I'm at least glad I can take part in putting a small smile on your face..."

"Eff Em Ell. Sometimes I get the distinct desire to have been born into some trade rather than making an attempt at a profession...then I could have my own place and some more money...and a place where it could just be you and me..."

"I wish I had done things differently last year, but in all honesty, I couldn't have. Outside of you and a handful of other bright spots, it was the absolute darkest period of my entire life. I try to forget about it."

"I love these moments....I wish we could spend some time together...teleporterrr...feel better than I have in weeks..."



....Who'd've known, eh? o.O

So now what? Keep fighting for my recently solidified love for Matt -- though he is constantly dodging my efforts to see him, keeping me at a distance, and either dating or at least letting Kelsey think he's dating her?

Or let the silver string I thought I had lost come back into my life? The mere poetry of such an idea makes it tempting. To be able to say we've known eachother since we were 13, on Neopets, 1000 miles away. It would be the ending to the story that 5 Centimeters Per Second didn't have.


I honestly don't know.